From cult leaders to charming politicians: dealing with malignant narcissists, and a call to action from whistleblower Bonnie Piesse
Bonnie Piesse's wisdom shared via the interview with Mark Vicente on "A Little Bit Culty"
Hey Democracy OTL readers, I am having a tough week, dealing with a crisis that started last Friday but I am going to try my best to post at least 3 times. Following up on my January 20th post, as you know I am deeply interested in the intersection of politics and psychology. I heard a wonderful call to action today from Bonnie Piesse, Star Wars actor and NXIVM cult-buster. The brave actions of Bonnie and other NXIVM whistle-blowers led to 120+ year prison sentences for the sexually-, financially-, physically- and emotionally-abusive cult leaders. This positive message from Bonnie was conveyed by her husband Mark Vicente on the A Little Bit Culty podcast with Sarah Edmonson and Nippy Ames.
Bonnie Piesse’s call to action applies to each of us in this strange day and age we are living through:
Continue looking at how [you] might be participating in any systems that use guilt, shame, coercion, bullying and fear as a tool of control—It doesn’t just happen in a personal growth cult, it is everywhere, and we need to learn to see it and stop participating in it.
We should know that none of us are “too smart” to be influenced by the tactics and tricks used by cult leaders and other manipulative abusers. Watch The Vow documentary on HBO to learn more.
Unfortunately, politics has more than its fair share of sociopaths and narcissists. Narcissists may be drawn to politics—you have to think really highly of yourself to run for President—and the charming, storytelling, acting skills of a narcissist can generate successful campaining prowess. We’ve all seen “the Trump show,” need I say more?
Trump is a dangerous malignant narcissist, and he is embedded in a network of similarly corrupt and manipulative people who will do anything to hold on to power. Our country was under the thumb of a malignant abuser for 4+ years and we have still not grappled with what that means. People like Trump and his cronies do not act and react like healthy people do. We absolutely should not be conducting “business as usual” with them—as we have seen, “norms,” “guardrails,” “giving them the benefit of the doubt,” and “goodwill” do not work with these people. Unfortunately, we are 4+ years behind in this project. (Look at the Trump Hotel lease in DC, for just one example. CREW told us from day 1 that this lease granted by the federal government never should have been greenlit to begin with.) Taking away the law-breakers’ power, money and freedom is the only way to defang them. We are still wating to see if our country’s rule of law will do its job, fast enough to be effective.
Tools for dealing with narcissists:
Over the years I have truly appreciated this advice from personal safety expert Gavin de Becker:
Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, “This person is trying to charm me,” as opposed to “This person is charming,” you'll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what's behind charm, it won't be sinister, but other times you'll be glad you looked.
When people are “charming you,” they often want something from you—your vote, your money, your loyalty, or more. Think carefully if you truly, freely want to give them what they want, or whether you are being unduly influenced or manipulated. If you start to have a hint that are being manipulated, “Hit the Pause Button,” get away from the situation as soon as you can, and consider your full range of options when you are away from the manipulators.
I think of this HuffPo article as the “writers’ room guide for Succession,” which is an excellent and entertaining HBO show to watch to understand more about these dynamics: “18 Ways To Spot A Narcissist. You've probably met one. Beware of these red flags.”
You can’t change a narcissist, but you can manage your interactions with them by setting boundaries, imposing consequences and more. There is a lot of good information in this Healthline piece: “10 Tips for Dealing with a Narcissistic Personality.”
Finally, please learn about consent! Did you know that according to the Consent Awareness network, “no state or territory… absolutely none…. provides an actual definition for the word ‘consent’ in its penal code?” The Consent Awarness network is working to have consent clearly defined in our legal codes as: “Freely Given, Knowledgeable and Informed Agreement,” #FGKIA!
When I went out for a walk this morning I did not know what I was going to write about today! Writing is preparation meets opportunity, and I love to connect the dots. Thank you to the truly informative A Little Bit Culty podcast for inspiring today’s post.